HUMOR JOKE 006 funny one liner jokes in english adult dinosaur santa banta urdu accounting about love nurse romantic atheist medical christmas cartoon happy birthday asian rude english best chuck norris comedy top crude punjabi simple stupid that are ethiopian one liners hilarious dirty one liners april fools laughing clean for kids cool children free

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funny one liner jokes




funny one liner jokes

funny one liner jokes

funny one liner jokes

funny one liner jokes

funny one liner jokes




Funny One Liner Jokes

Jokes in english adult dinosaur santa banta urdu accounting about love nurse romantic atheist medical christmas cartoon happy birthday asian rude english best chuck norris comedy top crude punjabi simple stupid that are ethiopian one liners hilarious dirty one liners april fools laughing clean for kids cool children free.

funny one liner jokes



Alan Carr rise up Jokes

"People perpetually name their children noted names currently do not they? Well i used to be in Tesco the opposite day and also the girl serving Pine Tree State was known as 'Umm.. Danon (8)'"

"Send this on 10|to 10} friends" Ten? If I had ten friends i would not be reading this shit! i might be booking town breaks and having sleepovers with my 10 friends.

"When wont to be} a child I used to hate obtaining picked for team sports. it might be the match and jazzy guys over there. And Pine Tree State and also the fat children up here. Those children were fat! One lady had to be cut out a Hawaiian dancing hoop"

"I'll simply have a napkin and a breadstick" (eating go into restaurants before he was famous)

What am I imagined to do if i am going bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. i'd likewise get a piano and begin associate Elton John tribute act!

"i undercut her with a wet wipe" (the 'orange girls' in boots)

That is the issue with comedy, typically i am sitting reception and i have written a joke and that i am happy "this is de facto funny" so you are doing it on stage and you get..... (silence).

"i knocked a full show over in poundland, 4 price of damage" (wrestling a tramp in poundland)

I hate my supervisor. Behind her table it says. "You haven't got to be mad to figure her, however it helps." Mind you, she's written it in her own shit.

I like previous individuals falling over, that is what makes Pine Tree State laugh.

Cause there square measure such a large amount of comedians out currently, thus you have got to seek out a joke that hasn't been aforesaid already, you have got to seek out a neighborhood that nobody is talking regarding, it's....tough.

I got on the property ladder this year. It's murder obtaining that deposit along. you begin having dark thoughts, observing your mum and pa thinking, "If solely they'd associate accident".


Bernard Manning rise up Jokes

Two previous maids on a beach, nude person ran past, one had a stroke, the opposite one could not reach.

Man says to his wife: 'Pack your baggage, I've won the pools.'
She says: 'What ought to I pack? one thing light-weight, one thing warm? wherever square measure we have a tendency to going?'
He says: 'We're going obscurity. simply pack your baggage and fuck off.'

I don't believe Scots square measure as tight as individuals say, however I did hear that once 2 taxis collided in
Glasgow recently forty eight individuals were hors de combat.

'Seriously people, I did not mean that. My grandad died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quite - 'very unhappy. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I visited see that Luciano Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable bum. He does not find it irresistible once you take part.

So David, what regarding the stick when the Argentinian game?
Oh, she was fine with it.

I feel compassionate those that do not drink, as a result of after they come to life within the morning, that's
the best they go to feel all day.

A Scouser visited a prostitute. She said, 'Do you wish a blow job?' He aforesaid, 'Will it have an effect on Pine Tree State dole money?'

What's the distinction between associate Iraqi girl and a pilchard?
One's ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other's a fish.

I have a pakistani WHO lives adjacent to Pine Tree State,
He aforesaid the opposite day to Pine Tree State "I'm an improved man than you"
I aforesaid "I ne'er aforesaid you fucking wasn't, however what causes you to assume your an improved man than me?"
He aforesaid "I haven't got a fucking Paki, living adjacent to me"

Quasimodo was running down the road pursued by a gaggle of youngsters.
He said, 'For the last time, i have never got your soccer.'

I visited Anfield the opposite day to observe a match. A lobscuse lad aforesaid, 'Can I mind your automobile for you mister?'
I said, 'No! And for your info, there is a sheepdog within the back.' The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'

Theres 2 fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a lions escaped"
A pedestrian aforesaid "Which approach did it go?"
One of the fellas says "you stupid cunt, you do not assume we're fuckin chasing it do ya?"

"Jackanory stuff, is for wimps. full-grown men that employment on building sites don't need to listen to 'ecky thump' and 'ooh dammit'."

"I see they've found Donald Campbell's body - it came out of a faucet in Huddersfield!" Racist? Bigotted? Unpleasant? No, simply a keen and really funny observer of human life.

A geographical area couple visit the Costa Brava for a vacation, however on arrival, the partner says "I will not be ready to create gravy together with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
The husband says, "Don't worry, there is associate English couple staying within the next lodging, i will see if they need any"
So he knocks on the door of consequent lodging, and says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
To that the person replies "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""

When you tell a joke to a farmer, he laughs 3 times--once once you tell it, once once you justify it, and once once he gets it. For farmers like to laugh.
When you tell a joke to a bourgeois, he laughs twice--once once you tell it, and once once you justify it. however though he's polite company, he can ne'er perceive the joke.
When you tell a joke to a political candidate, he laughs once--when you tell it. For he ne'er provides you an opportunity to clarify it, and it goes while not locution that he can ne'er are aware of it.
But once you tell a joke to a person, before you are even finished he is interrupting you--he's detected that one before, and "you're telling it all wrong!" thus then he tells you the joke--and during a far better version than your own.

Bernie macintosh rise up Jokes


Son of bitch children too God damn good on behalf of me. Sassy-talking, shaking heads and shit. Talk to the hand. see the hand. See, i am from the old-fashioned, i will kick a child ass. once a child gets one years previous, i think you have got the proper to hit them within the throat or the abdomen. if you are full-grown enough to speak back, you are full-grown up enough to induce fucked up.

You know you are black motherfucka once you place fingerprints on charcoal.

When Caucasoid race endure break at their job. 15 minutes. they are going to their table. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. quarter-hour they are back on the fucking job.
My individuals i do not recognize what the fuck is wrong with U.S.. however once we endure break, that is simply what the fuck we have a tendency to do. we break. you bought to appear for our motherfucking ass. You seen Johnny?

When i buy an opportunity to play golf or endure a ship with smart individuals, take the boat out and place some lobsters on the grill, get the cold brew and also the cigars - that is heaven here on earth.

I will fuck a child up. once a child gets one-years-old, i think you bought the proper to hit him in either the throat or the abdomen. If you full-grown enough to speak back, you full-grown enough to induce fucked up!

If you do not bust a nut once I bust a nut... then you contemporary outta fuckin' luck wit' me!

I came home at one o' record the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for a few milk and cookies! i am comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past Pine Tree State like i am a traveller, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his kinsman, during a stereotypically gay voice] "To get thusme milk an' cooookies!" He aforesaid it so funny, I needed to listen to him say it again! I aforesaid, "some what?" [as his nephew] "Some milk an' cooooooookies!!'".

I had a white guy tell Pine Tree State... he said, "Bern, why do black people use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, i am gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" truly means that. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black people are exploitation for years. It's regarding expression. do not be penitent of the word "mother-fucker." as a result of the word "mother-fucker" may be a noun: it describes an individual, place, or thing!


Bernie macintosh motion picture Quotes

Soul Men

Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [opens the door for Floyd to leave] get the fuck out.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Well, i assume you do not provides a fuck regarding the money then, huh?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): What money? it is a funeral! do not no one get paid to sing at no damn funeral!
[suddenly appearance at Joseph Louis Barrow and raises his eyebrows]
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): however much?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Forty grand.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [closes the door] Apiece?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): No, down the center.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO. That ain't even enough.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): The fuck you mean "that's not enough", man?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): I got a way of life to keep up here!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): What sort of life style, man? You filthy motherfucker! you bought a storage room choked with dogfood, however i do not see no dog!
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): Dog underneath the bed, Nigga! You lucky he ain't attacked your ass once you came in!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): YOU THE DOG, MOTHERFUCKER!


Ocean's Eleven

Frank (Bernie Mac): you have got pretty hands. does one moisturize?
Billy Tim Denham: i am Sorry?
Frank (Bernie Mac): you recognize, I've tried all varieties of moisturizers. I even went fragrance free for a full year. currently my sister, she uses some reasonably uh... uh... uh... uh... Aloe vera with somewhat ointment in it, and ideally, we must always all wear gloves once planning to bed, however I identified that that makes a form of associate interference with my... social agenda, you recognize what I mean.


Ocean's Twelve

Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Let Pine Tree State break it down for you prefer a fraction.

Danny Ocean: what proportion is everybody short?
Turk Malloy: fourteen.
Virgil Malloy: you are kidding me! You spent about five million?
Turk Malloy: Yes! {are|ar|area unit|square Pine Tree Stateasure} you planning to begin on me thereupon too? you do not recognize what it's like beginning one thing from scratch!
Virgil Malloy: Well, with interest, i am short seven.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Eight.
Linus Caldwell: Well, I spent 1,000,000 on talent development, thus i assume that leaves Pine Tree State at seven. Boy, that interest simply kills you, man!
Basher Tarr: i am light-weight nine.
Livingston Dell: what is the interest?
Reuben Tishkoff: vi.
Livingston Dell: Then I owe vi.
Turk Malloy: What?
Livingston Dell: i have been living with my oldsters.
Rusty Ryan: I owe twenty five.
[everyone appearance at him, he chuckles wryly]
Rusty Ryan: Hotels, man.


Ocean's 13

Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [after Yen spoke in Chinese] What did he say regarding Samsung?
Livingston Dell: He aforesaid he accustomed bowl with the owner of Samsung.

Abigail Sponder: We're gonna got to allow you to go. flip in your uniform.
Fired Waitress: I solely gained four pounds. You can't.
Abigail Sponder: yea, well your body index isn't what it's imagined to be.
Fired Waitress: however Ms. Sponder...
Abigail Sponder: Buckeye State, no, baby doll. it is your butt that is the drawback.
[walks away]
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [voiceover] you cannot hearth no waiter supported look. Man that is simply unconstitutional.
Danny Ocean: If they were waiter.
Linus Caldwell: yea, they are truly employed as 'models WHO serve' in order that Bank will monitor their physical look.
Rusty Ryan: it is a cruel, cruel follow.


Bad Santa

Gin (Bernie Mac): Look here, get himy outta here and i will go sleek things over with Chipeska, Tell him it had been unwellness or one thing.
Marcus: What does one mean, get him outta here?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Take him to the automobile.
Marcus: just in case you did not notice i am a motherfucking dwarf, thus unless you bought a self-propelled vehicle handy, perhaps you must lend a hand hmm?
Gin (Bernie Mac): That figures. you wish all reasonably set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you are disabled. you are all an equivalent.
Marcus: Special treatment? i am 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! it is a matter of physics. Draw Pine Tree State a sketch of however i buy him to the automobile, huh?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking imbecile. Fucking Leonardo statue maker.
Gin (Bernie Mac): What'd you decision Pine Tree State thigh-high?
Marcus: I known as you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
Gin (Bernie Mac): I might stick you up my ass, small fry.
Marcus: Yeah? You certain it ain't too sore from last night?
Gin (Bernie Mac): you bought some lip on you midget.
Marcus: yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why do not you dirt that issue off once during a while? Asshole!

Gin (Bernie Mac): we have a tendency to split the dough right down the center. Any merchendise you're taking, i buy to appear at and cherry choose.
Marcus: No. cash is one issue however you ain't obtaining the sh...
Gin (Bernie Mac): This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell you the way it's gonna be. this can be pricks fix!
[Exits]
Willie: Pricks fix?
Marcus: Ah, he is a fucking imbecile.
Willie: Buckeye State really? Is that however you bought the higher hand?
Marcus: Fuck you.
Willie: Negotiating?
Marcus: you do not like it? Next year, fuck off. I will perpetually get another box jockey.
Willie: yea and that i will get another midget too.
Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see U.S. hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?


Mr 3000

[Stan is during a commerical]
Stan (Bernie Mac): you do not like Pine Tree State as a result of I sign autographs.
[hits a baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): you do not like Pine Tree State as a result of I tell you what is on my mind.
[Hits another baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): however you're keen on Pine Tree State as a result of i'm the best hitters alive!
[swings some a lot of times]

Tom Arnold: Hey, we have a tendency to're sorry regarding all that stuff we aforesaid before you hit that homer...
Stan (Bernie Mac): yea, you would not be anyplace if it wasn't for Roseanne.